The Strange New World of Play Groups

While I enjoy these few fleating moments of quiet I will enjoy my coffee and a little conversation. I need to talk. I need to talk about the oddity that is the world of the "Mommy Groups"...

I've always had just a few close friends since I was pre-mommy phase. We all have kids now and always did the whole birthday party things, get together, scrap, whatever. Well they have all now deserted me and scattered to the far reaches of the US and left me vulnerable to be SUCKED in by the "mommy groups" - for this I curse their names every day - WELL, not EVERY day ;-)

Where I lived before - ghetto was not strong enough a word to describe it. I couldn't talk to neighbors, unless I was in the market for Meth. I couldn't join a close playgroup, since they appeared to be more of a support group for former meth users. I couldn't go to the parks since the homeless seemed to use them more than the kids did. So when we decided to move I was all about getting out there and meeting people. And so I have. And so I have realized that it's a whole different world out there my friends...

I have been inducted into the tribe and have become privy to some of the rituals. I have done my best not to be seduced by their heathen ways but I fear I am not strong enough to pull back. These are some of my findings/observations...

• To be a true part of the "Mommy Group" you must be a stay at home mom, if not, you will be accepted but on a lower level as you can not and are not devoting your entire being to your child/children
• You must fall into one of 3 catagories: 1) Have a newborn; 2) Pregnant; 3) Trying {desperately} to get pregnant - if not, you are on the lower level of acceptance as stated above
• You should have more than one child
• Your children should not be more than 18 months apart - if they are - you will be HOUNDED as to when you will be conceiving your next and what you may be doing wrong
• You should NOT have school age children - if you do, do not have them around as they are wild and uncontrolable and could be overwhelming for the babies
• You should not have more than 3 children - if you do, you should not try to have them all in one place as that could be overwhelming for the babies
• You must devote all nap/quiet times to the "Mommy Group Message Board" where you must post and reply to all posts even if it is just to say "cute" or "thanks for sharing", even if you don't mean it - OH and if someone isn't posting the obligatory meaningless reply - SHUN them they are dead to us!
• You can not have a healthy sexual relationship with your husband - and if you do, you can not speak of that deviant behavior but must listen to others talk about their distain for the act and methods of "other stimulation" i.e. "I need a vibrator!"
• You must participate in 'playgroup' gettogethers at least 2-3 times a week working up to 2-3 A DAY or be considered 'inactive' and again considered SHUNNED-YOUAREDEADTOUS!
• You must own 1-2 SUVs, if you don't - wait - who has a child and DOESN'T own an SUV?
• YOU MUST BREASTFEED
• YOU MUST BREASTFEED for at least 1 year and preferrable until your child can chew steak, and ask for a glass of milk with it
• Those who do not breastfeed shall be glared at when breastfeeding is discussed, as it is at EVERY gathering for apx 50% of the time
• You must devote yourself to making sure your child is being educationally stimulated at all times, even if that includes wearing THIS
• You should look into getting "some help around the house" {read: get a maid so you can be free to attend all playdates and still have a perfect house}
• It is recommended that you do not have a sense of humor and not be sarcastic - if you do, you will be sectioned off into the 'bitchy moms' group
• While at playgroups, all conversation shall pertain to 1) Breastfeeding; 2) Trying to get pregnant; 3) The cute new thing your 1 year old is doing; or 4) The eleventyhundred things you child is NOT doing that someone else's child IS doing
• And above all else...You MUST devote all your waking, and sleeping, moments to your child and no one else...

Now remember, these are just MY findings as I navigate this new world and it's odd ways, other groups rules may vary - a little ;-). I shall update you as I infiltrate their group further and try not to be shunned...can anyone remind me WHY I wanted to subject myself to this?? Oh no! They're starting to suck me IN!!!!!