Ahhhh To Be in Diapers Again

Well, I guess I didn't knock on wood enough ... a new sickness has invaded my house. This weekend Boss started coughing more than she had been, then there was talk of a sore throat and a stuff hurty nose. Then yesterday Boy came home and we were told he was thought to have Bronchaitis. Now Monster is talking with a bit of a stuffed up sound. So far {KNOCKING ON WOOD} Sweetness seems ok.

But to combat the spread of the various sicknesses ON A HOLIDAY WHEN THEY ARE AAAAAAALL HOME, I have made the executive decision to sequester them all.

Tell me how this sounds like a death sentence ... because that's how they all look at me ... as if the firing squad has just been called.

I have sent Boss and Boy to their respective rooms - with their own TVs/toys a plenty/games/all manner of fun older kid stuff - and still they act like I've punished them. They usually aren't allowed to watch movies in their rooms and I'm letting them! I gave them JUICE in their room! I NEVER do that! And still it's torture for them. They don't even have to put up with the constant interuptions from Sweetness and Monster!

I have those two either in their room or watching TV in the living room. Coloring, playing, coloring, eating and coloring some more - whatever it takes to keep them out of the other two's rooms and confine their germs to each other.

Funny how a child's nightmare could be an adults heaven.

I want to be TOLD to stay in my room. I want someone to bring me JUICE! I want to watch TV without having to share! I want to play with my toys without someone taking them away from me! I WANNA COLOR! I want someone to change my diaper and be at my beck and call.

Okay, maybe not so much that last one ... although ... the thought of not getting out of bed for hours even to go potty ain't SO bad if you think about it.

Well, ok yeah it kinda is, maybe I'm just REALLY tired right now and the thought of BED + HOURS = HEAVEN!

In fact, I hate to say it, even to THINK it, but it might be hitting me too.

I was FINE this morning. Quite ambitious and productive even! Especially for having so damn many kids here during the day. But now as I sit here with the sickness surrounding me, my head is starting to hurt, I notice a slight sore through, and a burning nose. And as I attempt to lift my cup of tea I thought 'Wow, this is heavy, I need a straw' - then thought 'K, it's half empty and my arm is shaking to lift it, perhaps this is a bad sign'.

It wouldn't be SO bad, if there weren't four more loads of laundry to do, four sandwhiches to make, naps to enforce, tax forms to find, calls to make, and bills to pay.

What really scares me, is that not only might the sickness be back and worse and attacking me, but that the 'man cold' isn't far behind. THAT is scarier than four kids home sick from school.

So as I batten down the hatches for the invasion, and knock on everything wood in this house, wish me luck, cross your fingers, and send me happy 'man-cold' free thoughts!

You Might Say My Bedside Manor is ... Lacking

It hit about a week ago. It got the baby first. Then the rest starting falling like flies. By Wednesday this plague upon my house had them all coughing and crouping, sneezing and dripping, whining and BITCHING. And yet, it has not hit me...

I have an iron lung appearently. And an immunity of super human proportions. Perhaps because I have drank my weight in cranberry/pomegranate green tea with honey over the last three days.

To be surrounded by the amount of CRAP that I am, and to hold out with only a slightly sore throat in the morning, I must be blessed ... OH and have the patiences of a SAINT.

I have 5 children ranging in ages from 2 - 32. It seems the oldest and the youngest are giving me the most problems. Monster has been HELL.ON.WHEELS since about Monday - throwing fits, throwing toys, and throwing her little weight around like she OWNS the place. Which is only different this week by the amount of GOO that is coming out of several of her orafices.

The MAN however ... is driving me out of my ever-loving mind. He, unfortunately, has something the rest of us don't.

He has the "Man-Cold". Which differs from the regular cold in that it is IMMENSLEY worse, requires constant attention, and is far more horrible than ANYTHING anyone else is going through at any given time. He came home the DAY I mentioned that the kids weren't feeling well and decided he was getting sick too.

Now I don't mean to say that I think ALL sickness is in your head, but I will say, that for the two of us, it seems to be. I decide that I am not getting sick. I can't. All you mothers know what I'm talkin about.

Can I get an AAAAAMEN?!

But HIM. He comes home and says 'MY LUNGS ... It's ATTACKING MY LUNGS" - which because of his fake stuffynose sounded like "BUY LUGZ" - I should have bought the Lugz. Considered it a reward for all the CRAP I would have to wade through over the next week. I attempted to banish him to the bedroom and get him out of my hair, and off my computer, but we can't find the remote so he has planted himself on my couch ... ahhhhh LOVE.

I REALLY AM TRYING FOLKS. I love him, and them, all very very much. But there is only so much snot wiping, med administering, cough hearing, whine ignoring, need answering that one woman can take.

Pray y'all. Not for me. For them. If they don't get over this soon, I will go insane and I will take them with me.

The Day She Was Accepted Back Into The Family

So you may or may not remember THIS POST about my demon spawn, I MEAN, youngest daughter, who decided to unleash her creative spirit on my WHITE dinning room chairs ... and couch. It looked a little something like this ...

Well I have no transfered my non-sexual crush from the OxyClean guy to the makers of Microfiber ...

THIS IS BEFORE ... BEFORE I REALLY KNEW MY DAUGHTERS POTENCIAL TO INFLICT PAIN WITHOUT A WEAPON ...

THIS is AFTER! And the heavens opened up and smiled down upon me as RUBBING ALCOHOL cleaned this unGodly mess. I kid you not, it LITERALLY melted away and WIPED off! It was like a miracle and life was good and we did rejoice :-D

That is until I found this ^^ At the time of my original post I did not see this MESS on my COUCH. My poor husband could not even sit near the mess for fear of cutting out youngest out of our will. HOWEVER...

Again, the heavens parted and the microfiber and rubbing alcohol did clean that MESS. Seriously though, can you BELIEVE IT?! I only wish they made walls, toddler clothes, and countertops in this stuff.

Other than that, things here are busy but rolling right along. Our Mommy Group had the Christmas Party on Friday where we did that fun little stealyourstuff game and I got all excited, right? Cause we were SUPPOSED to spend $25, right? So, I would SOMEHOW end up with something good, right? And I worked really hard on my gift so through the magic of Karma I would therefore end up with something of equal greatness, riiiiiiiiight?! Hmmmm, um, well that would be a BIG.FAT.NO. I feel like Charlie Brown when he looked down into this Halloween sack and said "I got a rock." Well, I got a rock y'all. A rock in the shape of a $3 Walmart candle.

It had a teeny tiny frame on the front which I guess MUST have cost $22 - but for some reason, I think I just got a $3 Cinnimon sented Walmart rock.

Whatever. Karma, you suck and you SO OWE ME.

Today I finished up one of my giftys and will post pretty pictures of it sometime after the holidays see'ins how other people may get ideas on what they're getting ;-) I also narrowed down the rest of my baking list and got all of the who's, when's, and what's narrowed down and listed out ... which puts my OCD at ease and lets me sleep better at night :-D We also did our shopping today so we are all set for Christmas dinner - YAY PRIME RIB!

I will be making a Gingerbread Berry Lemon TRIFLE ladies and gentlemen ... oh yeah!

So we got out of that pretty unscathed, unless you call $230 for Christmas dinner scathed ::sigh::

And right now I am about to eat dinner with one of my best friends and then we are hittin the town baby! w00t! And drinks are on HER! w00t w00t! Cause I'm old now! w0 .. waiiiiit ...

So I better get going so I can cover up the wrinkles, lift my saggy mom-boobs, and take some advil! Cause I'm drinkin tonight! ;-) Until tomorrow! In which I will again address the fact that my 30 year old body hates me and expresses itself in hangovers :-D I know ... YOU CAN'T WAIT! ;-)

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words

Have you ever had that moment where you quietly wonder if your baby hates you?

I had that moment today, when I finally realized what was going on, THAT was the first thought that came to mind..."Why does my baby hate me? Perhaps she was serious when she told me 'No more peas'."

While sifting through my MANY recipes and compiling a list of things I want to bake for friends and family this year, I looked over my shoulder at my baby. Which I HAD done many times, but since she wasn't in mortal danger I didn't look TOO closely.

Until I saw that look of PURE GUILT or Evil ... jury's still out ... and then she raised her hand ... IT HAD AN INK PEN.

I looked over, as if in slow motion, and let out the scream of 'oMG!THATSA*PEN*WHATDIDYOUDOYOULITTLES**T!' and as I screamed that scream that I am SURE you parents know {or WILL KNOW} my 5 yr old looked over the couch at the calamity and I think they both pooped themselves just a little...


THIS IS MY WHITE DINNING ROOM CHAIR ...

And as I screamed out 'My GOD why?!' I looked to my left and discovered that it was not ONE CHAIR ... OR TWO CHAIRS ... it was THREE ...

That was when I thought to myself, while looking at their terrified expressions, I wonder if she hates me? So what else could I do? I laughed. I laughed that maniacle laughter of the damned - or of a mother who has reached the line where you either laugh or you cry.

So as I ran to grab my oxyclean, and thought to myself "If this works...I am sending in my story to the Oxyclean people and they shall sing it from the mountain tops" - I even contemplated using my video camera to capture the miracle if it worked on the first chair. That's when my inner blogger ran for the camera to take BEFORE pictures ;-)

UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE NO AFTER PICTURES. Oxyclean has betrayed me and we are no longer on speaking terms. I found one, maybe two, possible products that MAY work and I'll be off to the store as soon as the hubs comes home. But even after all this I was laughing it off and saying 'Well at the worst, we'll just recover the chairs I guess, but that SUCKS.'

I needed to do something that made me feel better, made me laugh again, and something that related somehow. I was posting my story on my 'Mommies Message Board' and thought that her sweet angelic picture on there staring at me was MOCKING me somehow - soooooo that is when I opened up my MSPaint {as I am too poor to have anything else ;-)} and got to work.

I think it captures her inner spirit - don't you?

And after I started feeling a little better and thinking that recovering the chairs wouldn't be THAT hard I discovered the ENTIRE ARM OF THE COUCH - ALSO WHITE - COVERED in ink pen. ::SIGH::

That is when someone on my message board wrote - at JUST the right time - "Just remember, she loves you ... she just loves drawing too ;-) "

So that is my story for today, hope you enjoyed it as much as I DID :-D

The CRAP We Go Through

I was sitting here, drinking coffee, reading LOST blogs and minding my OWN business when it finally happened...

I look at my almost 2 year old on the chair next to me to see a BARE ASS staring back at me . . . and the ASS was NOT CLEAN . . .

Yeah that's right . . . I have NOW experienced that Missing Diaper Moment, the Dirty Ass Dilemma . . . the Poo on your SHOE (except I was barefoot!).

HOW you ask? HOW did you make it through almost 3 (THREE) babyhoods without finding the trail of poo coming from an abandoned diaper? I DON'T KNOW AND DIDN'T QUESTION IT FOR FEAR OF TEMPTING FATE!!!!! Well, karma is a bitch and is kickin MY ass for laughing at all of YOU'RE stories of the poo poo suprise.

I really was starting to find that my morning was picking up. I was woken up EVERY 15-20 minutes last night (no exageration) to my baby TALKING. Either in her sleep or she just decided to forego sleep last night - either way - I woke up everytime she started talking. Then the MAN got up at 4 and needed SOMETHING, by the time I got back to sleep - she was UP and raring to go - at 5 (AM). I was so damn tired and would have shrieked when I looked in the mirror this morning, but all I could muster was 'aah'. Then I got up and made coffee the MAN's way and it came out GREAT! Things were looking up! Then after getting her breakfast (note to self: NO MORE EARLY MORNING FRUIT!) I sat down to a nice blog surfing session with my breakfast of champions - last nights brownies - w00t! Like I said...minding my OWN business...I did NOT expect to look down and see the poo poo plater.

I have never been through this before and it seemed to go in slow motion...imagine if you will...I look down, jump out of my chair and grab that nekid little baby to find that it was not your average CRAP . . . she had 'mud butt'. That is where the slow mo starts - I see and register the offense in my poor sleep deprived brain and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - Oh God, NOOOOOOOOO"

I run around carrying soiled child around looking for the dirty diaper and wipes she was playing with just a minute before. I turned around and around in circles like a LUNATIC looking for poo spots on the carpet but because we chose this RETARDED carpet that ALREADY HAS SPOTS I didn't know what was crap and what was just crappy carpet! I find and grab the wipes and try to figure out how to wipe her MUD BUTT without laying her down, meanwhile trying NOT to step in any AWOL shit that has to be SOMEWHERE. I managed to clean her with about 20 wipes as it was on the hands, feet, legs, knees, and all the cracks and crevices in between. Then I RUN and get a diaper, and onesie (SAY GOOD BYE TO DIAPER TIME MISSY!) and RUN back out before she has time to find the missing mess.

Then the REAL work begins - WHERE O WHERE did she go BEFORE I found her!!!!!! There is no discernable trail! I scouer the floor in the living room and into the dinning room only to be led to my NEW, WHITE, CHAIRS! I scream again - "dear GOD NO!" - you will be relieved to know that I am one of THOSE people who bought WHITE-micro-fiber-seated-way-to-expensive-to-have-around-little-kids furniture . . . and left the plastic on the chair seats :-D

SO, said POO was on the plastic, and the rest of the chair as well as the wood floor in the dinning room. But NO WHERE ELSE - WHA?! But I don't trust it...I got out the vacuum and spray bottle of oxy clean and sprayed EVERY DAMN SUSPECT SPOT I FOUND. Egh...I want to get the damn floor BLEACHED - I won't - but MAN I WANT TO! This just reinforces my choice for tiling the whole damn downstairs of the new house! Then I CAN bleach the shit! (pun intended).

So, I have now entered that faction of parents who have had the shit hit the fan in the most literal way. To have experienced the Poo being Threw, the Carpet Matted in Mud, the Shit Being Slung. I have yet to find floaters during bath time...but I can't imagine that is far behind. Perhaps that will be an entry for tomorrow!

TNT!

Oh That Monster...

Okay, so I have a funny story - with picture - from Saturday. We were on our way home from the caverns and we stopped at this little drive up and get out type place in Lockeford. Now first...a little background...

Monster has this thing where when she is done with a certain food she takes whatever is left of it and throws it on the floor or tucks it into her high chair. She knows that I usually don't give her something different until she finishes what she has. I'm not all nazi about it or anything, I just know that she won't eat her green beans if she has yogurt on her tray too. So this is her thing, eat n chuck.

So we were eating at this little drive up place and she is enjoying her chicken nuggets then the MAN gives her a french fry instead. She takes a bite and seems to be alright with it. A few seconds later Boss says "Monster, WHAT are you doing? - NO Monster! Don't put your fry in my pocket!" - She had decided she didn't want her fry anymore so had to hide it to get her chicken nuggets back - so she tried to put it in Boss's back pocket! ;-)

It was pretty funny. So she finished her nuggets and then DH gave her another fry. Well, appearently that was more fry than she wanted cause yet again "MOM! Monster's stuffing her fry in my back pocket again!" Hehe - man she cracks me out - as Sweetness would say ;-)