The CRAP We Go Through

I was sitting here, drinking coffee, reading LOST blogs and minding my OWN business when it finally happened...

I look at my almost 2 year old on the chair next to me to see a BARE ASS staring back at me . . . and the ASS was NOT CLEAN . . .

Yeah that's right . . . I have NOW experienced that Missing Diaper Moment, the Dirty Ass Dilemma . . . the Poo on your SHOE (except I was barefoot!).

HOW you ask? HOW did you make it through almost 3 (THREE) babyhoods without finding the trail of poo coming from an abandoned diaper? I DON'T KNOW AND DIDN'T QUESTION IT FOR FEAR OF TEMPTING FATE!!!!! Well, karma is a bitch and is kickin MY ass for laughing at all of YOU'RE stories of the poo poo suprise.

I really was starting to find that my morning was picking up. I was woken up EVERY 15-20 minutes last night (no exageration) to my baby TALKING. Either in her sleep or she just decided to forego sleep last night - either way - I woke up everytime she started talking. Then the MAN got up at 4 and needed SOMETHING, by the time I got back to sleep - she was UP and raring to go - at 5 (AM). I was so damn tired and would have shrieked when I looked in the mirror this morning, but all I could muster was 'aah'. Then I got up and made coffee the MAN's way and it came out GREAT! Things were looking up! Then after getting her breakfast (note to self: NO MORE EARLY MORNING FRUIT!) I sat down to a nice blog surfing session with my breakfast of champions - last nights brownies - w00t! Like I said...minding my OWN business...I did NOT expect to look down and see the poo poo plater.

I have never been through this before and it seemed to go in slow motion...imagine if you will...I look down, jump out of my chair and grab that nekid little baby to find that it was not your average CRAP . . . she had 'mud butt'. That is where the slow mo starts - I see and register the offense in my poor sleep deprived brain and scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - Oh God, NOOOOOOOOO"

I run around carrying soiled child around looking for the dirty diaper and wipes she was playing with just a minute before. I turned around and around in circles like a LUNATIC looking for poo spots on the carpet but because we chose this RETARDED carpet that ALREADY HAS SPOTS I didn't know what was crap and what was just crappy carpet! I find and grab the wipes and try to figure out how to wipe her MUD BUTT without laying her down, meanwhile trying NOT to step in any AWOL shit that has to be SOMEWHERE. I managed to clean her with about 20 wipes as it was on the hands, feet, legs, knees, and all the cracks and crevices in between. Then I RUN and get a diaper, and onesie (SAY GOOD BYE TO DIAPER TIME MISSY!) and RUN back out before she has time to find the missing mess.

Then the REAL work begins - WHERE O WHERE did she go BEFORE I found her!!!!!! There is no discernable trail! I scouer the floor in the living room and into the dinning room only to be led to my NEW, WHITE, CHAIRS! I scream again - "dear GOD NO!" - you will be relieved to know that I am one of THOSE people who bought WHITE-micro-fiber-seated-way-to-expensive-to-have-around-little-kids furniture . . . and left the plastic on the chair seats :-D

SO, said POO was on the plastic, and the rest of the chair as well as the wood floor in the dinning room. But NO WHERE ELSE - WHA?! But I don't trust it...I got out the vacuum and spray bottle of oxy clean and sprayed EVERY DAMN SUSPECT SPOT I FOUND. Egh...I want to get the damn floor BLEACHED - I won't - but MAN I WANT TO! This just reinforces my choice for tiling the whole damn downstairs of the new house! Then I CAN bleach the shit! (pun intended).

So, I have now entered that faction of parents who have had the shit hit the fan in the most literal way. To have experienced the Poo being Threw, the Carpet Matted in Mud, the Shit Being Slung. I have yet to find floaters during bath time...but I can't imagine that is far behind. Perhaps that will be an entry for tomorrow!

TNT!